


This is When My Dam Breaks

by PumpkinPieTimb



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Autism, Gen, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Izuki Shun's Puns, Izuki-centric, Not Beta Read, References to Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:41:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25007887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PumpkinPieTimb/pseuds/PumpkinPieTimb
Summary: Laying on his bed at night, staring blankly at the ceiling, thinking if he should just go and die. It wasn't a very rare occurrence, it was pretty common actually, almost every night. Other nights... he stares at himself on the mirror, a blade in hand, hovering above his skin and just... thinks.He's never gone farther than a few shallow cuts on unnoticeable parts of his skin because he always hesitates. The thought of making his mom and sisters sad and never getting to play basketball ever again, it always makes him rethink his decisions and the next thing he knows, he's making puns again.
Relationships: Akashi Seijuurou & Izuki Shun, Furihata Kouki & Izuki Shun, Izuki Shun & Takao Kazunari
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	This is When My Dam Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey, heads up, I'm not really sure how autism works so pls forgive me for any mistake or I bring up anything incorrect (^-^')
> 
> Just to be clear: https://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/understanding-autism-basics  
> ^Read it please^

Izuki knows his puns aren't very welcomed by his teammates.

Why does he still make them you ask? 

It's because that's who he is! Making puns is... his way of communication.

He only appears calm and collected because... he doesn't _know_ how he should feel. But when he does know, it's in the extremes and he doesn't really know how to deal with them.

It's his coping mechanism. Taught by his mother.

He would make puns when he's sad, angry, happy, nervous, just... whenever he can really.

It's like his way of connecting to the world. Sure they don't get the positive reaction he hopes people would give, but hey, at least there's a reaction right?

Not only that, but he also keeps making them just to ground his fellow players. Whenever Hyuuga gets too worked up, when they all get depressed for losing a game, when Kiyoshi gets upset because of his injury, when Riko forgets they're humans with limitations, when Kagami overworks himself, when Kuroko gets too uptight, when the first years think they should quit the team, when Koganei and Mitobe fight for whatever reason, he does it pretty much for everyone on the team.

Izuki isn't sure if they realize it... but whenever he makes a pun, they relatively calm down and come back to earth. Or redirect their anger towards him, but that's fine. At least he was helping his friends.

It's fine when they chastise him, berate him, hit him on the head, tell him to go die. It's really fine. But it doesn't really hurt any less.

He would always brush off the harsh comments with cheerful laughter and more puns, but the hurt never really goes away. 

Laying on his bed at night, staring blankly at the ceiling, thinking if he _should_ just go and die. It wasn't a very rare occurrence, it was pretty common actually, almost every night. Other nights... he stares at himself on the mirror, a blade in hand, hovering above his skin and just... thinks.

He's never gone farther than a few shallow cuts on unnoticeable parts of his skin because he always hesitates. The thought of making his mom and sisters sad and never getting to play basketball ever again, it always makes him rethink his decisions and the next thing he knows, he's making puns again.

But it's only a matter of time until his dam breaks at last.

* * *

Izuki watches in amusement as Kagami shovels food into his mouth like he hadn't eaten for days. 

"Ugh, Kagami eat slowly, sheesh. You're disgusting." Riko scolded with a scowl.

Izuki brightened. "Basketball players are really messy eaters. They're always dribbling." He says with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

Everyone around the table groans.

"Izuki, do us a favor and go die." Hyuuga snaps.

The point guard doesn't know how many times he's heard that from his childhood friend, but he's really getting sick of it. Which was weird because... he never thought he _would_ get sick of it. Maybe it was getting too much, maybe he was finally nearing his limit. But he can't let them know that they didn't know what he's going through and that's going to stay that way.

So he forces a grin and gets back to eating.

* * *

"Senpai!" Furihata caught his attention as he walked out of the gym. Izuki stopped on his tracks to let his kohai catch up.

"What's up Furi?" Izuki asks with a tilt of his head as they continued walking together.

The brunette fidgeted with his fingers nervously, refusing to look at his senior. "Um... I was just wondering... a-aren't you getting affected by their... y-you know," He stutters.

Izuki raises an eyebrow. "You mean when Hyuuga tells me to go die?" He clarifies.

Furihata nods frantically.

The dark-haired teen huffs out a laugh. Of course, he should have known Furi would worry about him. "Hm, honestly?" He asks again.

His kohai actually looks up at him with determined eyes and nods again. Izuki smiles fondly, there's no use in lying here, Furi's pretty observant, he would just pry again and again until Izuki gives in. "Yeah, a little bit." He answers truthfully.

_Something_ changes in Furihata's eyes, Izuki can't place what it is, but something does. "Senpai, don't you think you should just... stop?" The brunette asks uncertainly.

Izuki's smile drops, and he could see his kohai getting nervous again, and he sighs heavily. He drops his eye contact and stares at the sky again, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Yeah." He answers simply.

He hears Furi gulp. "T-Then why don't you?" He asks again.

The point guard doesn't blame his kohai for being nosy, he knows Furi's just really worried since Izuki's his direct mentor. "'cause I can't." He simply answers again.

"H-how come?" Furi asks again.

Izuki sighs heavily and smiles at his kohai. "Don't worry about it kid," He says as he ruffles the younger's hair. "Welp, this is where I turn. Bye Furi, see you tomorrow!" Izuki says cheerfully as they part ways.

* * *

When Izuki finally enters his room, he leans heavily on the door and slides down with another heavy sigh.

Furihata was the only one on the team who doesn't actually outright insult his puns, he just groans exasperatedly with everyone else. Izuki likes the kid, he's a good player and Izuki's honored to be the one to help hone and develop his skills. And Furi respects Izuki, even with the consistent horrible puns, he never makes Izuki stop, and he doesn't think it's out of cowardice, Izuki thinks Furi _understands_ a little bit of why he makes pun all the time.

It's actually quite refreshing to have someone understand. Hell, even _Hyuuga_ of all people doesn't understand. Izuki doesn't care if it's half his fault for not telling his childhood friend, Hyuuga should have at least _sensed_ something was up, or maybe tried to understand him, or maybe _don't_ tell him to go die every time Izuki makes a pun.

Maybe that's why Furi _actually_ made him want to stop making puns. Hyuuga and the others are his friends, but they never respected his love for puns, so they don't get to tell him to stop. But Furi... Furi wants him to stop not because he was annoyed, but because he was _worried._

Izuki doesn't want to worry about his kohai anymore. So that night, he makes a decision. No more puns starting tomorrow.

* * *

It was... hard, to say the least.

To just suddenly stop something you've been doing ever since you can remember.

Izuki had to bite his tongue multiple times to stop himself from making a pun for the first three days. It hurt like a bitch but he could endure it, he'd had worst.

"Woah, Izuki-senpai... are you sick or something?" Kagami had asked when he didn't make a pun for a day. 

Koganei nodded with a thoughtful look. "There were a ton of opportunities for you to pun earlier. Why didn't you take them?"

Izuki was about to answer but Hyuuga beat him to it. "Does it matter? As long as he's stopped then we're all good."

Ah... that hurt _more_ than the tongue biting. Izuki kind of wanted to see their reaction... Kind of expected them to be disappointed, but yeah... That hurt.

Izuki just smiled and exclaimed that he was done for the day and went home early.

Hyuuga was- _is_ his best friend. So yeah, everything the captain says about Izuki would obviously have a major impact on him.

It's just... How can Hyuuga be so insensitive? To _Izuki_ of all people. It hurts. So _so_ much.

* * *

"Izuki what the hell are you doing idiot?!" Hyuuga hollers as Takao gets past Izuki, _again._

They were at a practice game with Shuutoku and Izuki hasn't really been a very good point guard from the beginning of the game, so it doesn't surprise him that the captain's angry.

The dark-haired teen shakily stares at his hands. "I-I don't know." He answers.

"Seirin player change!" The referee exclaims.

"Izuki!" Riko demands at the sidelines, Furihata standing next to her.

The shaking point guard walks over, not looking up from the ground.

"Are you okay senpai?" Furi asks.

Izuki rubs at his eyes and lets out a shaky breath. "Yeah, yeah I'm okay." He answers lamely as he sat down on the bench.

He doesn't see Furihata's disbelieving stare as his kohai enters the court.

"Hey Izuki, are you sure you're alright? You look tired..." Koganei asks worriedly with a hand on the point guard's back.

That's because he _is_ tired. He can't focus, his eyes are looking _everywhere_ and his mind keeps wondering about _everything._ He hasn't slept for days and it's really taking a toll on his... everything.

"I'm fine." He whispered in response as he buried his face in his hands.

* * *

"You okay Shun-chan?" Takao's cheerful voice was laced with worry as the younger point guard entered the bathroom where Izuki was currently starting at his wet face in the mirror.

Izuki forced out a smile and looked at the Takao from the mirror. "Yep! Why'd you ask?" 

Takao frowned. "You're lying Shun-chan. You haven't made a pun since we saw each other." He said, almost like a whine.

Izuki laughed, hoping it didn't sound forced, as he looked down the sink. "I just thought it would be better if I just stopped." He explained bitterly.

"What? What made you think that? You look like you're hurting, did your captain tell you to die again? Shun-chan I know you guys are best friends and all but that's just wrong." Takao was still frowning.

The Seirin point guard cracked a smile, Takao's eye really _can_ see everything. "Well, it's not as bad as your everyday rickshaw torture with Midorima." He teased.

Takeo snorted. "Yeah, it is. The rickshaw thing helps me with my stamina, the go die thing is just depressing."

"Yeah... It is." Izuki murmured.

"What was that?" Takao asked.

Izuki shook his head. "I-it's nothing! Well um... I think we're leaving now. Thanks for the concern Takao." He said politely as he started walking out of the bathroom. Ignoring Takao's protests and that they weren't done talking yet.

He vaguely heard Takao say: "Don't let them tell you what to do Shun-chan!"

* * *

Izuki stares at his kohai with wide eyes as the brunette bows deeply in front of him. "Uh..."

"I'm really sorry for trying to make you stop making puns senpai. I can see that it's done nothing but hurt you. Please forgive me." Furihata apologized in one breath.

Izuki smiles fondly. "You have a sharp eye kid. But it's fine really, I just need time to get used to it." He ruffles the brown hair.

Furi looks up at him with teary eyes. "B-but, senpai you look terrible! A-and you're getting in more trouble than ever, y-you don't have to stop making puns j-just because I asked you to-"

Izuki cuts off his kohai with a sigh. "I'm offended by your accusation,"

Furihata's eyes widened and he started waving both his hands in front of him. "That's not what I meant senpai! S-sorry!"

The older point guard laughed and pat the younger's shoulder. "I was kidding. And it's really fine Furi, don't blame yourself. It's true that I did this at first because you asked me to... But now I just want to do it for myself. And for what its worth, Hyuuga stopped asking me to go die!" He tried to cheer Furi up but it seemed to dampen the younger's mood anymore.

"Yeah but he screams at you more for being unfocused..." Furi grumbled.

Izuki smiled, trying to comfort his kohai. "It's fine, I'm used to it. Childhood friends remember?" 

Furi sighed, defeated. "Yeah, okay. Sorry senpai."

"Tell you what. I'll start making puns again if I think I can't handle it anymore, I won't do anything rash. Don't worry, I got it." Izuki said.

Furi gave a meek smile before nodding and walked off.

Izuki watched the brunette go with a fond smile. It's so nice to have someone worry about you that's isn't your mom and sisters.

* * *

"My, my. If it isn't Seirin's point guard," A familiar voice that brought chills through Izuki's spine snapped him back into focus. "Do you mind if I join you?" 

Izuki looked up from his book to stare at Akashi incredulously. The redhead was looking at him... _smiling._ Izuki smiled, internally grimacing with how forced it felt. "Not at all!" He squeaked. 

Wow, just wow. Way to embarrass yourself in front of a younger student! 

Akashi nodded and sat down across from Izuki, settling his tray of food on the table.

It was awkward, of course. It was the first time they interacted outside of the court after all. Izuki couldn't even concentrate on reading the puns in his book. One look at the redhead's eyes and Izuki loosened up a bit. Akashi had two red eyes. This was the nice one, there was no need to hide everything sharp.

"What do you have there?" Akashi asked politely, looking directly at the small book in Izuki's hand.

"Oh, uh... A pun book." Izuki blushed, why wouldn't he? He was a seventeen-year-old point guard and he was reading a pun book!

Akashi hummed as he sipped his drink. "Is it any good?" He asked again.

Izuki fidgeted with the corner of the page he was currently reading. "Hm, I guess."

Akashi tilted his head to the side. "I heard from Kuroko that you are very fond of puns. But you seem to be enthusiastic about it today. Is something the matter?" He asked.

The dark-haired point guard smiled wryly. "I kinda quit making puns to please my teammates, but... Hah... Sorry, I don't think it's polite to vent to a near stranger." 

Akashi nodded, understanding. Izuki thought that was the end of the conversation but he stood corrected when the redhead extended a hand out to him. "Let me properly introduce myself. I am Akashi Seijirou, captain and point guard of the Rakuzan basketball team. Nice to meet you." 

Izuki stared, dumbfounded. But then smiled and took the hand, shaking it slightly. "Izuki Shun, vice and point guard of team Seirin. So... What brings you here?" He asked, becoming more and more comfortable in the presence of the redhead.

Said redhead sipped his drink again before replying with a simple: "I met with a friend." 

Izuki hummed. "Kuroko?"

Akashi nodded. "Yes, we had things to discuss."

It was surprisingly easy to talk to the younger point guard. He's a totally different person on the court and in person, not counting his secondary personality or something.

Izuki ended up telling Akashi of his predicament and the redhead grew silent. Izuki could almost hear the gears on his head as he thinks.

"You know you don't have to change for them right?" He finally asked.

Izuki bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah but..."

"You clearly need to continue making your puns. Why stop just because they don't like it? From what I've heard, they're rude remarks never affected you before. What's the difference now?" Akashi asked again.

"I reached my limits I guess... It really sucks to have your best friend tell you to die every single day." Izuki replied bitterly.

"Have you ever considered telling them your predicament so they would stop berating you?" Akashi raised an eyebrow.

Izuki's eyes widen. "Hey! I never told you about that, how'd you know?"

Akashi chuckled and shook his head. "I can see everything Izuki-kun." He answered simply, pointing a finger to his eyes.

Izuki let out a humorless laugh. "Right..."

"Well?" The redhead pressed.

The older point guard sighed heavily. "No, I'm scared... I guess. Of what they would think of me if I did tell them."

Akashi sighed. Izuki could tell the redhead thought he was a dumbass. "They're your friends Izuki-kun, surely wouldn't think less of you if you did tell them. And I'm pretty sure they wouldn't berate you too much when they find out."

Izuki was still not convinced. Sure, this guy could basically see the future but... That was on the court! They were not the court!

"Izuki-kun, you better tell them until tomorrow, or I _will_." Akashi threatened, pointing his fork at Izuki.

The dark-haired teen raised both hands on surrender. "Okay, okay! Sheesh, don't stab me." He laughed.

Akashi hummed, seemingly content, and started eating again. "I _will_ know if you don't do it." He said after a moment of silence.

Izuki gulped. "Uh yeah... And thanks."

The redhead nodded with a faint smile.

* * *

"You fucking idiot!" Hyuuga exclaimed as he hit Izuki hard on the head. "Why didn't you just tell us?!" He demanded.

"We could have been more understanding!" Riko added.

"Well, I was scared okay?" Izuki pouted.

"Don't pout at us! Now we feel even more guilty!" Riko fumed, stomping her foot on the ground.

Izuki smiled sheepishly at the group. They all had faces of various guilt and understanding. "Sorry.." He apologized.

Riko and Hyuuga exchanged a glance, having a quiet conversation with just their eyes before nodding.

"Seirin!" Hyuuga exclaimed, catching the attention of everyone. "Bow down and apologize!" He added and he did so himself.

The team was quick to follow and they all exclaimed in unison: "We're extremely sorry for our misdoings!"

Izuki backed off with both hands in front of him. "Hey now, I think that's too much." He chuckled nervously.

Hyuuga suddenly stood up straight and tackled him into a crushing hug. "You really are an idiot. Sorry." He mumbled.

Izuki smiled fondly as he pats his friend's back. "It's all good," He managed to rasp out from the lack of air. "I feel like I should _point_ out that your _point_ guard is at the _point_ of losing consciousness." He said cheekily.

Hyuuga let go of him in favor of hitting him on the head again. "Just because we said we're sorry doesn't mean we're suddenly gonna enjoy your puns." 

Izuki laughed and rubbed his head. "Yeah yeah. I know. And thanks for u understanding I guess."

Yeah... Izuki's dam may break from time to time, but at least now he had his friends to help him through it.

**Author's Note:**

> Why is it... that whenever I have a fav anime character... I write angst about them? T.T Why do I keep hurting my babies? (TT-TT)


End file.
